The Maze Beneath

October 26, 2022

It started with a corn pit #

The article Man accidentally shoots self in leg while visiting corn pit attraction in Brooklyn Park was the inspiration for this thing. Beyond the obvious real-world terror of live firearms in innocuous places, it was the words “corn pit.” Corn Pit. A pit filled with corn. Were we talking about grain entrapment hazards? The mind whirred and clicked and all I could think about was “midwest deathtrap dungeon.”

So I tweeted about it, and some of my favorite people showed up. Because Twitter, I’m saving these notes here for posterity.

Jordan Doll as Coach McGregor #

Can we all start cooking up characters for this? I wanna be Coach McGregor, a retired olympic wrestler who still has the goods but, tragically, also has a colostomy bag due to a botched colonoscopy

Me: “You just helped me answer my question of how far into body horror I want it to go, and the answer is: very far.”

Andy Sell as Violet Blomqvist #

Violet Blomqvist: 19, middle kid of 5 in a family that’s had a bad reputation going back nearly a century. Has a rap sheet and no prospects. Wants out of this podunk town but her truck won’t run and she just got fired from the Casey’s again. Loves 80s thrash and her potato gun.

Me: “I’m not saying there’s a spiritual manifestation of malaise and misfortune directly tied between the Blomqvist forebears and the [redacted] buried far beneath the Corn, but I’m not not saying that.”

Nate Balding as Jim Dormus #

Jim Dormus, former state champion running back spending my middle age cooking for a diner called Barb’s. My polenta is legendary but my body is a shitshow of torn ligaments and blown out knees.

Me: “I think Jim is gonna make it”

Brian Flynn as (Brian deleted his Twitter too quickly) #

As I recall it was Patrick something, a college grad who returned to town to open an organic farm. He really loves plants.

Me: “Whenever they ask, “You think you’re better than me?” you say “Yes” under your breath.”

Timmy Williams as #

Can I play a soybean farmer who is trying to popularize “Soy Pits” but can’t get anyone to bite

Me: “The nicknames the corn farmers have for you… :(”

Mendota #

(The California Zephyr passes through without stopping.)